‘What Do You Know About Love?’ - Falling Out of “Love” With the Industry.

You know that one lyric in My Petersburg from Anastasia "even when you hate it something in you loves it so" that currently is my relationship with theatre. Now, don't get me wrong theatre will always be apart of my personality, there's no changing that (unfortunately) but I can't help but feel some sort of resentment towards an industry that I used to hold near and dear to me... but why?

'On the Town'

Naturally working and living in London the west end is no more than a stones throw away. You have no choice but to be involved in that side of things. With the posters on every form of public transport to having old programmes on your bedroom wall. It feels like I constantly live and breathe theatre yet, sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating.

Like I said I adore this industry and it has taught me a lot (in more ways than one) and as cliche as it sounds, maybe that's a reason I'm struggling to find that love again. Because I relied on this so much for so long it feels strange no longer having that inevitable connection with the stage.

'Changed For Good'

As I mentioned in another post about my thoughts on studying MT at university, some of my coursemates have said that they no longer feel the passion they felt about theatre after graduating. I can't speak on behalf of them, but I agree to a certain extent. Studying Musical Theatre at uni made me fall out of love with performing and it's only recently that I have started to find that spark again with the help of some lovely people! I am grateful to have found that passion again as a reminder of why I clung on to this industry for so long.

Performing, as we know, is a huge part of this industry and is what most likely got us into it in the first place... I had a love-hate relationship with it , struggling with imposter syndrome and all the joyous things that come with singing in front of your classmates first thing in the morning.

I convinced myself that I would never perform by trade after uni and that was it. To be perfectly honest it was a shock to the system. Because when you have spent a considerable amount of time wanting and working to be on stage to then do a complete 180 is a hard pill to swallow.

Although, I found another route in the realm of Dramaturgy that I'm currently working towards pursuing. This again, sparked another interest in the industry that I lost the flame for. Yet I cannot help but ask, did I change because I still wanted to be in the industry and that was as close as I am going to get, is it something else or have I lost the love for it?

The safety curtain is acting more like a safety blanket.

Am I in a toxic relationship with an industry I "love"?

'I Don't Care Much'

Audience behaviour and current productions. I cannot be the only one growing slowly tired of seeing another adaptation, followed by another revival. Now don't get me wrong these shows definitely have something special to them and are definitely fan favourites or comfort shows. For that having complete understanding as to why these shows are successes is important to note. Myself even falling head over heels for a current revival/adaptation.

However, I can also see how for others it can become tiresome once you've checked them off your list. Although, there are some phenomenal off west end and pub theatre shows finally making their way into the public eye. I know I am guilty of not wanting to branch out and take the risk or seeing something new just in case I'm "let down" by it. But how will I know unless, I take that chance? A double-edged sword. That sinking feeling of disappointment when something doesn't fulfil the needed you've been wanting.

Maybe it's the repetitiveness or maybe it's the public?

When you watch a show elsewhere you can't help but switch off for a while. Every movement or light flicker ignites a level of rage that the front of house feel. I know when looking for something to watch, I tend to avoid the same group of shows because of audiences. With the recent rise in "unconventional" patrons, it has been difficult to feel comfortable without being disrupted. I understand that the primitive "high-brow" mentality that came with theatre is now fading away (as it should *accessability*) but at the same time just put your phone away.

The Finale

Maybe I've out grown the "dream" I had when I was a kid and maybe the novelty of the stage lights has gone with it. And you know what... that's ok.

We're allowed to grow and dislike things and understand what we need in ourselves, in our life, in our career. This industry will not vanish and maybe I need to find that thing that made me fall in love with it in the first place.

Deep down this is something that I will always be able to come back to, it will always be there when I need a singsong.